Do you feel tortured?

August 2, 2019

Yahoo Sports unveiled this year’s list of the Most Tortured Fan Bases in the NFL, and, frankly, I think you’re going to be surprised.

No, not because the Browns aren’t even on the list. While that is shocking – the Cleveland Browns have never won the AFC North, and hadn’t won their previous division, the AFC Central, since 1989 – at least they picked up OBJ and have a QB who broke the rookie TD record last season. Also, fun fact, the Browns were Elvis Presley’s fav team.

Perhaps the list is instead shocking because the Detroit Lions come in at #5, even though this is a direct quote from the article: “Detroit could have had arguably the greatest running back, greatest wide receiver and statistically greatest quarterback in history on its roster and done absolutely jack with it.”

Or maybe it’s shocking because the Redskins aren’t even the Most Tortured ****NFC East**** team on the list. That honor goes to the Eli and the NY Gi-Ants, a team they describe as “spinning like a toy boat in a toilet.”

No, the most surprising thing is that the Skins position has actually improved over the last 2 years. In 2017, we were Yahoo Sports #1 Most Tortured Fan Base. They said we were “the most broken fanbase, thanks to the most broken organization in the NFL, and it’s not even close. No stability, no on-field success, no trust, no love. Everyone hates everyone else, and the biggest losers are the fans.”

But this year? Yeah buddy. We’ve improved to only be the 3rd Most Tortured Fan Base! Why? It must be because of the promise of Dwayne Haskins, or Derrius Guice, or, or SOMETHING, right?

Nah.

“The only reason they’re not higher on this list is that their fans have come to expect boundless, soul-shriveling incompetence. They have accepted they’re broken, and so we’ll give them the spontaneous Stockholm Syndrome cheers that erupt every time Joe Theismann or John Riggins shows up in local TV ads.”

Yep. The reason we’ve improved is that we’re used to disappointment.

Can’t say it’s not true, either.