John McDonnell/The Washington Post

Lend Me a Tenner

November 18, 2019

Do you have a friend willing to lend you ten bucks? Or, better yet, skip that cappuccino for a couple days. That’s all it takes to get you into FedEx Field (slogan: Seats so colorful you won’t want to sit on them – no one else does!). Yep, that old saw about a years-long waiting list to earn the great privilege of watching your hometown football heroes in the flesh is as gone as civility and compromise in US politics.

But listen to what you’ll get for that ten-spot…

All the health benefits associated with an elevated heart rate as you attempt to wind your way through the traffic to park. Yep, even with attendance as low as it is, somehow the parking situation at the stadium remains a disaster. Perhaps this is partially due to the clever strategies employed by the parking attendants, who like to do such fiendishly clever things as send opposing lines of traffic at the same time. (Bonus – you’ll get to see if your horn works!)

Then, you can discover how little space your body physically needs to occupy when there is a crush of humanity at the gates. Once again, the tricksy stadium staff has managed to figure out a method to make something that logistically could go smoothly and instead create situations such as the time I was nearly thrust by the unruly crowd into a police office waving his gun to get people to move back (true story! so much fun!).

When you finally get inside, you are in for a treat. FedEx Field is home to some of the most delectable food to be found in a 200-yard radius (this does not include the parking lot, where some folks actually make good food). You can load up on some industrial-quality Sloppy Joe’s that are definitely going to talk back throughout the game. I hope you are very friendly with those people sitting nearby.

Speaking of those people around you, a visit to the stadium affords you the opportunity to study other team logos up close and personal, such as on the backs of everyone else present. And they don’t even restrict themselves to simply wearing the Redskins’ opponent’s jersey. Nope, you’ll find such useful attire as Patriots and even Browns jerseys at pretty much every Skins game.

Finally, sit back and enjoy the game. The Redskins are known around the league for creating some of the most exciting plays, usually by the other team. And remember, when Washington is on offense, the stadium should be quiet. This is now generally easy to accomplish, as there are not enough bodies present to make much noise.

It’s a memory that should last a lifetime, or at least until you get home and find a better game to watch on TV.

You know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you should get those cappuccinos. Maybe let your friend keep that tenner in his wallet. It’s for the best. Because the Redskins at long last have done the unthinkable. They’ve lost DC.