Are you there, Dan? It’s me, Souply.

December 9, 2019

Dan,

Well, here we are again. Mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Of course, we knew this was coming. That little two-game win streak was a blip on the radar, nothing more. Sure, it was timed well with the stumbling of Dallas and Philly, but anyone who truly believed the Redskins would leapfrog into first place probably has been hanging out at the fifth quarter afterparty a wee bit too long.

And of course, like most Redskins news, the loss and the elimination weren’t all the bad news. Let’s tick off a few others:

1. Haskins has a sprained ankle, and though he played out the game, he didn’t look so great heading to the locker room.

2. Derrius Guice had yet another leg injury. That’s three in two calendar years. [Just as a reminder, Dan, we don’t have a great track record with leg injuries.]

3. Ryan Kerrigan had a calf injury and left the game.

4. Quinton Dunbar had a hamstring injury.

5. Ryan Anderson had a head injury.

For the record, this is likely to be the fourth straight season the Skins come in 3rd in the NFC East. If it weren’t for the utterly hapless Giants, we’d easily be last.

So, what now? I think it’s simple, really, so I hope you’re listening.

First, fire Bruce Allen. Then, gather a committee of people who know football to search for his replacement. You should probably get going with this ASAP, so if you want to fire Allen this week, just let me know. I’d be happy to deliver the news.

Second, hire a real GM, based on the expert recommendation of your search committee. Do not wing it. Do not hire a friend of yours. I’m serious.

Third, fire the medical staff. Let the GM find a new medical staff. If you think this is going overboard, I suggest getting a second opinion on this firing. I’ll send you the numbers of a few guys, Trent Williams, Alex Smith, Sua Cravens.

Fourth, let the GM completely handle the search for a new head coach. Do not butt in. Do not use your plane to fly in personal choices. In fact, take your plane and head somewhere nice. Let this all happen while you’re away. It’ll be less stressful that way for all of us.

And finally, when you return and you have a whole new GM, coach, and medical staff, stay out of their way. Permanently. You’re just not a football guy, Dan. It’s okay to admit it.

That about sums it all up. I hope you’re paying attention. Oh, and if you made it this far, might as well go ahead and change the team name and logo. I know you’re jealous of the Caps’ Stanley Cup and the Nats’ World Series win. Jump on the bandwagon. Change the team colors to red, white, and blue, and use a real DC name, like the Federals or the Generals. Probably the Federals. Caps, Nats, and Feds. Rolls off the tongue. Besides, you know FedEx will pay for that change.

Love,

SOUPLY